Not many of my watchers read my journals, and I'm afraid I'm guilty of the same thing most of the time. Usually I feel disconnected from commission notes and so on since I don't have a penny on this site nor premium membership, though I never looked at this site as a shop much.
Envy is something I hate experiencing because I know what it is when I feel it, and I'm simultaneously aware of how petty and self-degrading it is to feel it. I saw a fanfic with only three chapters and nine reviews already, and they were very full pf praise- and upon reading the story myself I found it was clearly more engaging than my own.
Luck's not a good friend of mine; some stories people find good, some gather dust in the corner no matter how much I put into them. I didn't wish for praise to be my fuel,and heck, I'm aware of how petty that sounds, too. We all share out work so we can interact with people about it. With my first story and art pieces, that's what happened. I had fun writing because people had fun reading. They'd guess what would happen, point out little hidden things I deliberately put there- it was fun.
I still get reviews, yes, but I'm very surprised when they appear as its not a usual thing. This is on another site of course; barely any of my writing is viewed here, but there is the very few people who do read it, and give support. I'm very thankful for that, and it boosts my confidence quite a bit.
I continued writing some things even though chapters at a time would get no feedback, and I continued because I liked my ideas and didn't wish to give up because people weren't throwing confetti all over me. Its a strange feeling; to feel something but be aware that its petty and vain, but feel it anyway. I know its wrong to feel down when my stuff doesn't get feedback, and this whole journal is just a big wine-fest I'm trying to get out of my system after a bad few weeks. My art is mediocre compared to most, as is my writing. Its not a good as I thought it was, same with the ideas I come up with. Oh well.
So what caused this whine-fest? Well I've been sick over the last few weeks as well as stressed. I spent six months- basically the majority of this whole year- studying and revising like an idiot in order to pass some exams. During the last month before the exam, I'd spend hours at a time taking notes and hurting my wrist (as previous readers know about X( and I mean straining from work, not purposely hurting them...now that I read this it looks weird saying that ) Before finally getting it over with. At first I did feel relieved; but we returned to school two days after my last exam. Yes, we had a long Exam Leave (being off to study) but they weren't' exactly what I would call a 'break'.
And, after months of stress and being reminded of how we must study, how important and vital it is to keep working, and after we dragged ourselves through the exams in cold hallways and uncomfortable chairs, we were back at school. The first few days, since it was near the end of the year, weren't filled with much work at all, obviously. At first I thought we where going to be cut some slack, but our teachers began a new route- we'd finished half a year full of stress, and they wanted to inform us of the next year of it already, the week after the exams.
I Already many of us were informed, during a lecture by our future teachers in future classes, that the workload would be large and not many people manage this level (wow, why have a subject if no one can do it) as well as homework over the Summer Break. At my school the teachers love to inform us that we MUST have a plan for our future. So, I didn't leave this School year feeling relieved that I'd passed my exams, nor greeting the summer happily- as I'd been given work over it and a promise of a giant workload when going back. Usually I could handle something like that, but after months of stress over my last exams, I was angry.
I'm feeling slightly better now; the first two weeks of the holidays weren't so good. But, now I feel a little more at ease I managed to write a few more chapters for some stories and get some art done. Still, not much happens with them. Maybe I'm just overly bored by things.
Ah, yes. I remember what else got my mood- My computer charger port is once again acting up and goes on and off. Now that this hinge has been glued down, it'll probably not be fit to get fixed again. Just my luck.
I'll probably look back on this journal in a week or so and cringe at how whiny I sound.